I Can't Be the Only One

#grief #celebrate #itsokaynottobeokay #griefjourney

Today I thought I was going to celebrate the 65th birthday of my favorite girl, My Momma. Instead I have been sitting at the intersection of sorrow and joy all day. Joy because my mother was very well loved by those who met her. Sorrow because I miss her. I miss her so much. Like that was MY momma. As I am going through this difficult season and growing, I can't call her to share my excitement and my fears. I used to call my momma every morning on my way to work.

This sucks.

Over the weekend I went to The Curry- Dillion Family reunion, these are my Great Grand-mother's people. We haven’t had a family reunion in years. You would think I would be happy to see my family, but y'all it was weird for me. The last family reunion I remember, my momma and grandparents were there and I am pretty I was like 5 or 6 years old. Along with my 1st cousins and both aunts and all my uncles. This year I was the only grandchild of Joanne Griffin and the only great-grandchild of Claudia Dillon. Now don’t get me wrong 2 of my other cousins came for a moment and one of my aunts and one of my uncles were there. But you know how when you go to a family function you are looking for certain people because those are the people you hang out with or grew up with? Those people were not there and the 2 cousins that showed up, didn't stay long.

I felt like an outsider. Since my mother has been gone it has been different being at family functions without her.

It’s a weird place to be in when you only know a few people in your own family and the ones you’re close to aren’t there. It was even worse because my own family; my husband and kids were not there except for my youngest son. He doesn't do people. He only wanted to play at the park. So there's that.

We left early....

Here's the thing about this grief journey, you never know how situations are going to affect you. I had already felt some type of way before going. With my mother and grandparents being gone, I wanted to represent for my great-grandmother. I don't even know her. Never got to meet her because just like my mother, she died at an early age. But I was going to be there since her daughter and oldest granddaughter couldn't be there.

So as I reflect on today and the reunion, I want to share some tips with you about how to navigate this space.

1. You don't have to go when your emotional capacity is full.

2. If you do go, give yourself a time frame to be there and if it doesn't feel right, leave.

3. You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you are leaving.

4. Take pictures. You don't get these moments too often.

5. Allow yourself to enjoy this time and be present in the moment. This can be difficult when you feel down and out. But if you're going to be there make it worth it.

6. Try to talk to people, you never know who you might meet or what you might learn. I learned my Pa-Pa used to slap people upside the head with Bibles when they were acting up. I still don't believe them. Because my Pa-Pa would never.

7. Don't be afraid to sit alone and watch, someone is bound to come say Hi. I sat alone and my older cousin was like "girl come sit with me."

8. You make it weird by acting weird, be yourself. I was still my smiling, smart mouth sarcastic self, just like my momma and my Pa-Pa.

Now these tips might not work for everybody and that's fine. Share some things in teh comments that you use when you feel like the only one.